CLOSE MY TAB
SHG #7
Trying to remain centered on SOME HEAVY GOOD’s central conceit of pleasure, remaining critical, looking back and looking forward — this issue is sponsored by the burnout. I hope you don’t mind that the little feathered wings of hope I have left I am saving for myself for the week ahead. With so much of the year still in front of us, we all wish that somehow we could just ask the bartender to close our tab already because we’re tired and we just want to go home.
We cross-curated this issue and you’ll find below each of our voices in one another’s section. We look forward to hosting open calls for SHG submissions very soon.
SEX in 2020 // TOUCH
Nina Cavazos, trends + current events curator
In the first months of the COVID-19 shutdown, several American media outlets ran giggly profiles on our collective horniness in quarantine; the idea being that since we were all stuck at home with nothing better to do, porn use was skyrocketing and a COVID baby boom seemed nine months on the horizon.
Yet, in the wake of rising death tolls, a devastating economic recession, our public reckoning with systemic racism and inequality, the upcoming election, and more (seriously, how much more?!), a rising number of Americans have reported that current events have made a significant and detrimental impact on their mental health and overall wellbeing. So did the sexual overdrive last? Or did our “quarantine horniness” suffer from premature climax?
64 Americans responded to this anonymous survey and were asked a wide range of questions relating to their sexuality. Various aspects of our identity can intersect with the way we experience the world and, as it relates to the topic here, how we express our sexuality to ourselves and others. While no one survey can encompass the complexity of every human, respondents were able to self-identify as multiple identities and were given the space to elaborate further. Here are some resources I used to inform the way I built the survey: collecting data on gender and sexuality; collecting data on race and ethnicity.
For purposes of this survey, sexual activity was defined as any activity—solitary, between two persons, or in a group—that induces sexual arousal. This includes fantasizing, masturbation, watching pornography, and any sexual stimulation that is given to or received by another person or persons such as phone or video sex.
fifty shades of eat // TASTE
Bee Pollard, music + culture curator
The way we interact with food is a revolutionary dynamic.
Our lifetimes are sprinkled with flavors that are complex. The many morsels and meals we take in make an impact that force us to relate to a memory, a moment. Food provides comfort and complication, a true wax and wane of emotions – much like that of the relationships we develop.
But it’s a lens that I never really considered exploring critically. Until now.
My relationship with food is very storied. It has a history of delicious ebbs and flows due to a grocery list of factors. While this relationship may not necessarily be my healthiest, it’s one that has offered many teachable moments. There are tastes that I have chased fervidly, much like impassioned connections with people, places and things. These flavors are my feelings in their purest form. There’s joy. Satisfaction. The things I crave can easily be personified in who or what I surround myself with.
The way I consume food, the way we consume food, can be so dependent on subjective stimuli. Because of that, our patterns and practices can easily shift from being ours to enjoy solely to that of someone else. Something else. We can no longer enjoy the art of eating out of contention, spite, fear, punishment. We become forced to harbor harmful feelings towards food. Thus, creating a breeding ground for an unhealthy relationship.
Nowadays, I’m unlearning so much of what I thought was mine. So much of what I thought was the truth, especially as it relates to my body and my relationship with food.
I’ve kind of adopted this hedonistic approach to eating and dining. At this stage in my life, I am all for pleasure in its purest form. As with any healthy relationship, there have to be clear intentions, sustainable modes of communication and set boundaries. Like a partnership, I have made it a non-negotiable that these same pillars are present when it comes to food.
Does it taste good? Does it make me feel good? Is this what I’m craving? Am I settling with this meal? Is this what I want? Are you happy?
The simple things.
Empty Chairs and Empty Tables // SMELL
Elizabeth Routhier, art + film curator
I’ve been sitting on this concept for a year and then 2020’s shenanigans really pulled it back out like a coffee enema.
Did anyone else notice the wave of empty minimalist décor or branding popularized by white influencer culture? No? Just me? Some brands that come to mind are Glossier, Everlane, Reformation, + probably half your Instagram timeline filled with twenty-one-year-old influencers living in Brooklyn lofts who only seem to own a bedframe and a mid-century modern poster by Society6.
It really began to occur to me that having less was only cute when you had the potential for more (cue Kim K’s empty pale gray mansion interior). The fetishization of appearing as if you own fewer possessions. The façade that you’re being environmentally conscious in some way. The false idea that you’re refusing to participate in capitalism because you don’t seem to participate in consumerism because you only own white bed sheets and one piece of art on the wall. SO IT SEEMS.
But how and why did this become the epitome of design and décor? I realized what most of these entities had in common was their whitewashed state of being. I couldn’t help but consider that this is yet another space where white supremacy has spread its pothos tentacles.
I thought for sure this thought was too bold. Too assuming. Too rooted in my judgements.
But then I began to see pushback against minimalism begin to unfold on Twitter through the emphasis of maximalism. I felt it was no coincidence. Last year people embraced minimalism. They BEGGED for it by making Alison Roman famous. Then, 2020 happened. Now, all of a sudden people are rejecting minimalist décor along with its whitewashed brands.
These brands have paved the way for the minimalist hype. Of course the system in place has allowed them to gain traction and have the opportunity to thrive and expand their business - but we bought into it. What is it about minimalism that gets so much attention? What stuff are we really trying to get rid of? Why are we eliminating the appearance of excess when it’s very obviously a lie? What is it about white culture that enjoys eliminating the “extra.” And lastly, WHERE are they storing all their SHIT?!
Can't Stand Me Now // HEAR
Melissa Klocinski, food + dining curator
There are many differences between me at 19 and me at 29. I weigh more and I say more, but the change that I’ve been focusing on the most recently is that I don’t listen to music any more. Well, not new music, anyway.
At 19, I would spend hours every night scrolling through music blogs and eccentric user-made playlists in iTunes in search of anything that sounded new. Part of this was driven by typical teenage snobbery, but also because it was a way for me to figure out what and how I feel. I was (and remain) painfully shy, which limits the opportunity for interpersonal drama and the spectrum of feeling that comes with it. I knew I probably had emotional depths, but did not have the life experience to know where all of the trenches and jagged edges were. So, I listened to “Heart & Soul” to imagine my first kiss. Acts like Le Tigre and Sleater-Kinney gave me an idea of what it would be like to live outside the conservative confines of my life. Acts like Portishead showed me the kind of woman I wanted to be: knowing, sophisticated, just a little too cool for it all.
I used music like sonar. If I found the right song, it would hit me somewhere deep and unexplored. Having mapped out this new area within me, I could now dream about the real, adult things that would one day fill it in.
At 29 I have had too many real adult things happen to me. When art is good, it shows you something about yourself, even if it is about something far removed from your own experience. You can recognize yourself in it. When I was 19 I wanted to see myself everywhere. Now I can’t stand the sight of me. It’s strange to realize that music has become something to fear when so many seek refuge in it. I’ve realized that, when I was dreaming out my life, I used music as a narcotic, a way to dull the fears I had about who I’d become. Reality is never as good as a high, though.
photo story // SEE
Nicole McCauley, relationships + sexuality curator
2020 is the year that I've focused on taking photos more than I have in the past. It started with photos of the food I've cooked while alone. It’s cliché to say, but this has given me a reason to cook better and more creatively. There are many opinions about how and why we share pictures of our food, but for me I just like sharing something I can be proud of.
This is the first year in a while that I have more photos taken of me than selfies I’ve orchestrated myself. Online “dating” means asking my friends to snap me candidly, snap me posed, and not caring half as much as I used to about how put-together I look. It’s a pandemic! None of us are put-together.
Naturally, this obsession with photos has made looking through old pictures a shock. In a crowded space sans mask? The stuff of legends. I have a heightened level of introspection when I look at photos now. This is what I call The Before Times, The Current, and The After, After; I encourage you to fill in these categories with your own understanding of who you were, are, and will be after this year.
The Before Times
Where have you been?
photo:
There's a bowl of bacalao pasta directly in front of me, nestled on a sea of melted butter. The taste of the homemade linguine, the breeze on my face, the laughs I shared on this carefree Portuguese vacation with my best friend; will I have this, again? I want this easy joy, this freedom to escape, sooner than I can take it. I think about buying a flight anyway until I decide that I am selfish for loving pasta so much.
The Current
Where are you now?
photo:
My tennis shoes, tall white crew socks over leggings, and the bottom hem of my parka. I'm leaving for a walk and I realize I’m wearing one of my mom’s geriatric outfits so I send a picture to her and my sister for a laugh. I’ve been taking daily walks as an easy out from the monotony of my own apartment. This energizes me and I remember what it’s like to be outside and feel my body moving with the Earth that continues to spin even when I forget.
The After, After
Where are you going?
photo:
I'm not sure, but I'm floating and this year is not weighing me down.
